Sorrow is My Altar

We create altars and shrines in public spaces, in places of worship, in our own private spaces or at specific sites where a death or tragedy occurred. When I think about creating an altar, I take inspiration from the words of Karla Helbert, which tell us that altars are significant to healing grief: altars are external representations of interior mysteries…and ways of showing in tangible form what might be happening in our hearts and spirits. Creating altars gives us opportunities to remember, to reflect and to honour, as well as to help heal the pain of loss through the act of creating.”

Photo by Kelly Hurley.

In my scope of practice as an Infant and Pregnancy Loss Doula (IPLD), I have used altars in different ways. Firstly, I have used them personally for my own emotional support. I have also used altars in end-of-year rituals to acknowledge the families or babies in spirit that I have served. Secondly, in supporting the creation of sacred space by setting up mini altars in the birthing/grieving room or at a mourning site for a visitation or ceremony. I also provide resource information to bereaved parent/s on the use of creating altars as an act of active mourning. The creation of a personal bereavement altar can establish a private place to which a bereaved parent can return to reflect, meditate, grieve, engage in a personal ritual, and honor the baby who has died. The word ‘altar’ sometimes evokes uneasy feelings in some people, so I tend to use the words memorial space or sacred remembrance space too...the name you give it isn’t important... it is the intention.

Regardless of the type of altar you are creating, be it for your inner work as an IPLD or for the support of a bereaved family, the foundation process is the same. The memorial space could be a table, shelf, dresser, a large plate, windowsill, or a beautiful macrame wall-hanging shelf. You could also create a memorial space or altar in nature. One can begin the process by clearing the space you have chosen for the altar and leaving it empty for a period of time if possible. The empty space represents the void that is felt when there is loss. Even the act of walking by an altar you have created has an effect on us, whether we realize it or not. The sight of what we have created is a constant reminder of the intent for which it was created. The most important thing to note about creating an altar, regardless of the purpose... is that there is no right or wrong way to do it.

Here is an example of what you could include in a resource sheet on Altars or Memorial Spaces as an Act of Active Mourning for the bereaved parents you serve:

An altar or memorial space can be created in your home or out in nature. Find a space that won't be disturbed and is free of clutter. Lay a beautiful piece of cloth, a scarf, a baby blanket, a place mat, etc., on a flat surface. Find something to represent each of the natural elements & place them lovingly on the altar. For example, a feather (air), a mini vase (water) with flowers, a stone or crystal (earth), and battery-operated tea light candles (fire). You can display an image or symbol of your baby, draw a mandala, write an intention to connect to your baby in spirit, add flower petals or crystals, memory box, display significant items such as an ultra-sound picture, ashes, baby’s clothing, a stuffy, the baby’s name, a talisman for healing or pictures drawn by your earth-side children. Any flowers or houseplants should be kept fresh, and water changed regularly.

Questions to Ask Yourself to Help You Create a Memorial Space or Altar:

• How visible do you want your memorial space to be?

• What is your favourite sentimental item that reminds you most of your baby?

• What do the items on your altar symbolize?

• How might you interact with this memorial space over time? 

• How could your earth-side children interact with the memorial space to help them remember their sibling?

• What emotions would you like to connect to when you tend to this altar?

  
  

The space you honour your child in is entirely up to you, and should be designed to help you always feel connected to your child.

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Kelly Hurley is a HHA graduate and has an Infant and Pregnancy Loss Doula practice in British Columbia. You can learn more about her at bio.site/withgracekellyhurley or https://www.withgracecranbrookfunerals.com/