My Baby Sister’s In the Sky

Not only is pregnancy and infant loss devastating for the bereaved parents, but siblings grieve too. They will be experiencing the pain of this loss in their own unique way. Grieving siblings are often forgotten mourners. If the children knew about the expected baby, they will grieve. If they did not know, they will still sense their parents’ grief. Research has found that siblings in grief after a perinatal loss experience disappointment and sadness that might entail a feeling of helplessness over a long period of time. What grieving siblings need most is for adults to be open and honest with them about the loss of their expected sibling. They need to know that it is okay to talk about the baby & what happened. They need their questions answered in an age-appropriate way. 

Photo by Kelly Hurley.

As Infant and Pregnancy Loss Support (IPLS) professionals in a companioning role, supporting a family’s loss of a baby can include gentle encouragement of the grieving sibling’s participation in mourning activities, in certain situations. An IPLS will have resource packages that they can offer bereaved families, and information on sibling grief and active mourning activities & rituals can be valuable. Ideas such as providing a child with keepsakes that belonged to the baby and allowing the sibling(s) to be involved in any end-of-life ceremony rituals would be helpful. The IG site @child_life_grief_notes has some of the best child bereavement grief activities & ritual suggestions for all sibling ages. There are many resources for children’s active mourning activities. Memory work is essential because it helps children support a relationship with the sibling who died. In doing so, the baby will remain a part of their lives. Gently encouraging a child to keep memories alive helps affirm the value of the relationship. There are many ways to express grief, and arts, crafts, and movement are effective ways for kids to explore & express their grief. Be sure to consider activities that a newly bereaved parent could handle facilitating with their children. 

In my resource bag, I have colouring sheets, writing paper, crayons, magnetic letters, stickers, toys, baby books, and art supplies to support the siblings. I inform the bereaved parent/s of the sibling support I can offer, and they decide if, how, and what that might look like. I solely take direction and cues from the parent(s) for any interaction with children who are present. Siblings can benefit from being included in interventions earlier in the trajectory of the sibling’s death. You, as the professional, need to take it upon yourself to conduct an overview of the literature on children’s grief responses, because some parents will look to you for guidance and “permission” on how their earth-side children can and should navigate this time of loss. Young children can participate in the after-death care of the deceased child, through bathing, dressing, adorning, releasing rituals, reading books, singing songs, etc. If the baby has been named, simple gestures such as asking the sibling the deceased baby’s name are relationship affirming.

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Kelly Hurley is an HHA graduate and has an Infant and Pregnancy Loss Doula (IPLD) practice in British Columbia. You can learn more about her at bio.site/withgracekellyhurley or https://www.withgracecranbrookfunerals.com/