What It Costs You Not to Talk about Death: The Price of a Death Doula

Last breaths, last rights, Grim Reaper, fear, finality, homecoming, release. There, I mentioned words that are most likely ones you think of that are associated with death.  Death is not viewed the same across the world, in Asian countries many people die in their homes, encompassed by their loved ones and spiritual guides. Add in a quiet and tranquil ambiance, it is a spiritual process. While, here in North America, a person is more likely to die in a hospital with few close loved ones, a cacophony of hospital noises, and the journey is viewed as more of a medical process. In North America it has become the norm not to talk about death and all that comes with the process. Due to not being discussed, death has become more of a taboo subject, resulting in misinformation, missed opportunities, dying without or very little dignity, and losing that spiritual journey that other countries partake in. Adding a death doula into your journey opens up avenues that are quite often missed, and gives the support needed in times of grief. Death doulas help facilitate a neutral, unbiased territory for difficult conversations and the beauty of legacy work. 

Photo from Wix.

Let’s take a minute and reflect on our own deaths. Where are you, do you feel safe, do you feel love and support, have you said your proper goodbyes? It is rare to take time out of our busy schedules to think about these questions. As much as we do not talk about it as a society, death is a part of everyone's journey. Everyone's own perception of their death is different. Everyone’s information and access to information (in their language) is different and oftentimes difficult. No one wants to feel like they’ve become a burden on their families. No one wants to die without their version of dignity. 

Let’s take another minute and look at this from another perspective. Do you know what your parents and/or spouse would like as their final moments? Do you know what information they have access to? Do you know how they would like to be taken care of after death and by whom? Do you feel comfortable broaching difficult subjects with your loved ones about the dying process and death? Did that feel like an overload of questions all at once? 

Death as a subject and all it entails is overwhelming if you are ready for it, so being unprepared can feel like you're left with insurmountable tasks. Hiring a death doula creates a solution to help you feel less overwhelmed. Once you have found a death doula that you fit with, the whole process of death and what's left afterwards now does not look so daunting. Hiring a death doula gives you the power over your own death. Having a death doula gives you a person who you can go to with questions, fears, and immense emotions. A death doula is someone who comes with an arsenal of tools. These tools include a vast knowledge of the services in your area. They can help you connect with people, organizations, and hospice centres that can better help you get the death YOU want.

A death doula can help you figure out exactly what you would like your death to look like. A death doula can help you with misknowledge and myths that come with the subject of death and dying with dignity. The most important aspect of having a doula is that if they are unable to help you they will find someone who can. They are able to help you find a way to say your goodbyes, which could include legacy work. Death doulas give you the safe space to communicate fears in which you do not feel comfortable sharing with your loved ones. Death doulas also help your family talk through their feelings and grief. Death doulas help you decide what your dignity is defined as. Everyone wants to die with dignity but no two people are the same, having a Death Doula helps you navigate what you, yourself would like despite the pressures that could sometimes come from going against the mainstream.  

Dying where you feel most safe is a top priority for the majority of people, yet are these needs being met? Are you worried your needs about dying are not being met? Do you feel overwhelmed by the quantity of question marks in this article and now floating around in your brain? Hiring a death doula gives you the answers to the questions you have. They are there to be by your side during the whole daunting process. Making sure you find the right death doula for you is imperative, waiting until you are further along in your death journey is not necessary, I advise you to reach out to your local death doula to see what information you might need for the future you deserve. 

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Kylla Bowbrick is an HHA volunteer and a death doula. You can learn more about Kylla at Kblifeservices.com