CHECK OUT: Empty Arms

Dear Friends,

I am writing to recommend a book that I think you would find helpful. It's called Empty Arms: Coping with Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Death by Sherokee Ilse. The book was written some time ago (2008), however, it has become a bit of a classic.

The format is small and concise (a bit like a brochure) and offers genuine encouragement from someone who has experienced the devastating impact of perinatal loss (e.g., miscarriage, stillbirth, infant death). This concise and helpful little book may also be a useful guide for family members and friends struggling to better understand and support loved ones who have experienced such a loss.

The back cover overview reads:

Empty Arms is a unique and encouraging little book that reaches out to all who have been touched by infant death or miscarriage. With compassion and sensitivity, the author offers practical suggestions and support for decision-making at the time of the loss and for the future. Whether the loss is recent or occurred years ago, Empty Arms will offer comfort and hope.

The reason that I so often recommend Empty Arms is that its format is perfect

for any stage of the grieving process (i.e., from those who may still be in the acute stage of their grief journey through to someone who is still working through their loss years later). Rather than having to wade through a longer and information-heavy book, Empty Arms provides more of a step-by-step guide that describes the heart wrenching process, emotions and ongoing challenges that bereaved parents may experience.

Some of the topics covered include: miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS), other types of infant death and adoption. The book is organized so that the reader can quickly access the information that they are seeking (e.g., ‘first days and weeks’ through to ‘after some years have passed’). For someone who is grieving and perhaps finding it hard to concentrate/focus, the format of this book is incredibly accessible.

Compassionate guidance around decision-making is also provided. Sensitive topics such as whether to hold, name, take pictures of and/or find ways to memorialize a baby/babies and plan a funeral are gently discussed. Practical information around the ways in which families can better handle and cope with key dates over time is provided (e.g., birthdays, anniversaries, the arrival of a new baby in the parent’s close circle of friends and family).

Overall, I would recommend this book not only to you, my friend, but to anyone who is, has lost, or anticipates losing, their precious baby/babies. There is a resource section that may now be somewhat out-of-date; however, it does provide a good starting point and the list of books/bibliography is excellent and includes a much-needed section of resources on helping children (potentially siblings) to cope with the death of a loved one. Gentle tips on finding hope and moving forward are also included.

I’ll end my letter to you by referring to the beginning of this incredible little book. The author carefully selected quote that, to me, reveals she genuinely understands the unfathomable pain of infant and pregnancy loss:

There is, I am convinced, no picture that conveys in all its dreadfulness, a vision of sorrow, despairing, remediless, supreme. If I could paint such a picture, the canvas would show only a woman looking down at her empty arms. – from Emma by Jane Austen

I hope that you will find this book helpful my friend and that if you do, you will share it with others who are navigating the steep, dark and intense grief journey through perinatal loss.

Warmly,

Carole

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Carole Brulé is an end-of-life doula, a graduate of HHA's infant and pregnancy loss doula certificate program, and a visiting home hospice and pediatric palliative care volunteer.