Exquisite Witness: Companioning A Family During A Visitation or Wake

"True genius is knowing when to say nothing, to allow the experience, the moment itself, to carry the message, to say what needs to be said." Richard Wagamese

Whether it is holding a home vigil or wake in the family home or having a visitation at a funeral home; this after-death rite has been part of traditional death-care; and it is now being brought back into our culture.  We are beginning to understand the important role it can play in processing the death of a loved one; including the death of a baby or child. It normalizes death. Visitations help establish the reality of death and allow family and friends to spend valuable time together with the deceased.  This rite slows everything down and eases the shock of death.  Visitations assist in the healing process by giving the family chance to perform caring acts for their loved one.  This is especially important for parents who have experienced infant loss; as they are supported in and allotted the time to have one last chance to touch, hold, and care for their child. 

Visitations can “just be” without an agenda, have simple rituals such as a candlelight vigil that allows for unity in mourning, washing or dressing the deceased; or for some families there may be more of a transitional party atmosphere with friends and family.

An Infant & Pregnancy Loss Doula or Death Doula can include companioning a family through a visitation, home vigil or wake, in their scope of service.  Your role would be to simply hold space for death, sorrow and grief to occur with all the moments of both fear & love; by just being present.  This is where the act of companioning truly shines.  PastorPatricia Thomas recently introduced me to the term “exquisite witness”. The term sums up the ideal qualities of someone caring for the bereaved in a Doula role.  The carer or companion (Doula) needs to be “exquisite or highly sensitive and they need to witness and not advise or direct.  The term ‘witness’ directs us to understand that the experience belongs to the bereaved person. We are the experts in our own unique loss and grief experiences.  As a witness, we observe more than act, listen and learn more than talk, and follow more than lead.”

In my scope of service as an Infant and Pregnancy Loss Doula, I have been asked to companion families at a visitation.  The first time in service, I was asked to be present for a 3-hour visitation at our local funeral home for a baby who died of SIDS.  The parents were very young; and there was a great amount of complicated grief. I was not sure what to expect; but I set my intention to be mindful & have an open presence; not directing or controlling.  I relied on the inspiration of Zenith Virago, one of the Death Doula Pioneers who stated, “You don’t need the answers or the questions; you just need to be with the experience.”  I remembered that ‘to hold space’ for the bereaved is not the absence of doing; but the presence of being.  I needed to relinquish my programming that suggests that to be useful to a family, you must provide guidance, advice and answers.  I had to accept that my role was going to need to be sitting with the discomfort of what we all would be experiencing and expand through it; rather than contracting into it.

During the visitation, myself and the funeral director gently supported and encouraged the young parents to hold baby B; and we answered questions.  I ensured family and friends had water and Kleenex.  I helped keep the young siblings busy with coloring and crafts.  I sat with one of the grandparents who was having a panic attack.  I provided the family with a short Ceremony of Release when it was time to hand baby B over to the funeral directors for the last time; and held space for the mother’s pleadings not to have to let her child go.  I had to be okay with doing nothing active to diminish the pain of that moment.  I was witness to wailing, swearing, pleading, the cursing of circumstance, laughing, arguing, confusion, desperation, chaos, affection, tenderness and connection. In reality, most of the three hours was spent sitting quietly in the background observing; but I knew I was on sacred ground. From that first experience of being an exquisite witness, I have learned to never underestimate the power and benefit of our caring human silent presence.

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Kelly Hurley is a HHA graduate and has an Infant and Pregnancy Loss Doula practice in British Columbia.  You can learn more about her at bio.site/withgracekellyhurley or https://www.withgracecranbrookfunerals.com/