The grief of abortion is a topic that is severely under addressed. It falls in the category of disenfranchised grief. Unfortunately, for these grievers, they will often find that others approach it as a moral issue, rather than one that is deeply emotional. Medically induced abortions are uniquely different when it comes to the grief that may result. Those that elect this procedure often miss out on any emotional support from friends and family, since they frequently do not share with others that they have taken this action. Using ritual allows us to bear witness to our grief.
As Renee Beck states:
“Healing rituals offer a time for you to be fully present with the pain; as well as a means to finding acceptance of it.”
Here are some rituals that Infant and Pregnancy Loss Doulas (IPLDs) can share with the families they serve who are experiencing a medically induced abortion. Remember that the grief of abortion is not just restricted to women; the father or other family members may be impacted also.
Please note: these rituals were selected for those families who are making a choice to terminate their pregnancy and may not be appropriate for families who are experiencing Termination For Medical Reasons (TFMR).
Ritual for self compassion and release
Abortion can lead to ruminating thoughts and regrets of “if onlys, I should haves, why didn’t I’s”. Here is a ritual that will help with self compassion and release. Write the unhelpful statements on a piece of paper and then bury them in the special bowl full of Himalayan Salt. This salt will be used as a cleansing agent both physically & metaphysically; and holds on to energy. Place the bowl in a sunlight filled area. Then set an intention to change the unhelpful thinking that is causing you distress. Take the piece of paper out of the salt; and then ceremonially burn it. Then write new statements on the paper that reflect self-love & heart based action; and speak those statements aloud.
Ritual for transformation and affirmation
Using visualization can offer a time for being fully present with the pain of loss, after an abortion procedure. Here is a visualization that honours grief and the baby in spirit. Choose three symbolic gifts for this Spirit Baby. The first gift is a symbol of your love -visually give it to the Baby. The second gift is a symbol of protection -- give it to the Baby. The last gift is for strength -- give this gift to the Baby.
Ritual for grounding and naming
As an abortion procedure may bring with it fear and isolation, parent/s can feel the burden of other people’s judgement. There are so many ways to offer your story of loss, if there is no human ear to receive it. Offer your tears, sadness, anger and disappointment to the Moon, the Water, Mother Earth, the Wind or a Tree. Dance, paint, journal, or breathe the heaviness of sorrow.
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” —Maya Angelou
Ritual for centering and acknowledgment
Those we serve deserve understanding and comfort, no matter what their choice. Guided imagery and meditation are designed to help you recognize what losses you may be feeling, and to gently release them. Give yourself permission & space to grieve. The Birth Ease Loss Support Podcast has meditations for healing after an abortion in Season 2 Episodes 6, 7, and 8; or @calmabortion has meditations and guided imagery.
Ritual for preparing and releasing
Before the medical procedure, buy or find a beautiful polished stone. Imbue it with love, understanding and strength. You can hold it during the medical procedure. Keep it until you are ready for release. Find a body of water & throw the stone as far as you can. Say:“I release ______ to the water and ask it to wash away my ___________.
Ritual for memorializing and acknowledging
Prepare for the ritual ahead of time, by taking quiet time to write a letter to the baby. Create a sacred space & bring some grain such as millet, rice, or oats. Speak an invitation to any ancestors, spirit baby, divine beings, whom you would like to support you in the ritual. Read the messages from the letter to the baby aloud. Bury the letter and scatter grain around the area to symbolize the life-force who gave the baby life, gave each of us to our parents, and is the source of life. Tell the baby goodbye, thank you, & that it will always be a part of your family.
Ritual for naming and communicating
Allow yourself to bring to mind what you have lost in this process of making this decision. You may have lost trust in yourself or the experience of yourself as a parent, etc. Allow yourself to feel these losses. Get a basket & find an object that represents each of your losses. Leave the loss of the potential child for last. A loss may be represented by a feather, a stone, a branch, a flower, a leaf, or any other object you can imagine. Place each object into the basket. As you do that, consider each loss one by one. Take a moment to speak to each object. Is there a gift that came with each loss? What are you grateful for? Release each object in your basket in whatever way is best for you. If you need to, ask this child for forgiveness for not being able to parent this child. Listen with your heart for forgiveness.
Ritual for honouring & nourishing
Write a letter to the person you were, at the time you made your decision to terminate your pregnancy. This may be especially useful if your abortion experience was a while ago. Understanding, compassion, and forgiveness might be part of what you offer the woman that you were at that point in time. Sometimes it is useful to imagine you are talking to your best friend. What do you need to acknowledge? What do you need to let go of? Decide what you want to do with the letter; burn it, bury it, tear it up & send it with the wind, keep it somewhere safe. Following this, create a healing herbal cup of tea with sage, dandelion, lemon balm, lavender, oat straw, or just lemon juice. Then fill a basin with water & have a herbal foot soak to acknowledge this journey; contemplate, release, forgive, reclaim, embrace, love.
Acknowledgements: the ideas for rituals are sourced from numerous places: my own experience & ideas, courses, written guides & resources, PAIL organizations, podcasts, authors…all gifts from the heart.
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Kelly Hurley is a HHA graduate and has an Infant and Pregnancy Loss Doula practice in British Columbia. You can learn more about her at https://www.withgracepregnancyinfantlossceremonies.com/
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